Spaghetti Scissors Fundamentally Reshape Eating As We Know It

mr - Spaghetti Carbonara Reshoot

Since time immemorial, mankind’s never-ending quest for food has inspired countless innovations. The desire for easier eating has led to everything from the development of agrarian societies to fast food to whatever the hell molecular gastronomy is.

But all of the innovations that shaped the culinary world are nowhere near as disruptive, useful, or important as what you’re about to witness. I give you one idea and two words that will fundamentally change eating pasta as we know it: spaghetti scissors.

This ingenious use of an existing household item to single-handedly revolutionize the process of eating spaghetti bolognese boggles the mind. Scissors have been around forever, but for some reason we as a society never stopped to think about how they might offer us more than a way to cut open packages or slice up paper. In chopping a spaghetti bolognese right at the point where the strands start to get too long, this humble innovator has shown us the true purpose of a pair of scissors.

No longer will we endless twirl in the hopes that spaghetti will bend to our will and stack neatly on our fork. No longer will we stain our shirts with red sauce when a rogue spaghetti strand swings down and whips us in the chest. As Common says in those annoying Microsoft commercials, we are—finally— living in the future we always dreamed of.

As with any good, pure, and objectively correct viral internet content, the replies to this tweet were full of detractors. Some who watched the video (which has racked up more than 8.6 million views) thought that this unnamed man “could just learn to eat the spaghetti” or twirl it on his fork like some kind of idiot. They are wrong. Some suggested simply swapping spaghetti for a shorter pasta like penne, which misses the point entirely. Others insisted that we really out to give the credit to old-timey actor Buster Keaton, who was light years ahead of the rest of us when he ate spaghetti this way on film way back in 1918. 

I’m sure our spaghetti eating friend would ultimately be happy to share the credit with such esteemed company. After all, he’s not selling us a specific pair of spaghetti scissors, he’s just sharing his clever way to better eat bolognese and live a happier life. That’s what really matters most.

Just don’t think too hard about what else those scissors might’ve been used for. 


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